Kill them all

 

 

The following may contain coarse language and random unusual sarcastic humor. Deal with it.

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Kill them! Kill them all!

 

 

 

So yesterday I spent five hours cleaning my home. It started with me wanting to get rid of some flat bark beetles (Cucujidae, the dorsal habitus of Pediacus subglaber kind), and rapidly led to a deep cleaning of the whole apartment. Now, I’m not an expert on the matter, but I am starting to understand the harm of the little houseguests I encountered.

 

 

Man I know I’m stubborn in many cases, but these guys … they take the price. Just when you think you’ve killed them all, think again. These guys just keep crawling back. They are probably worse than some of your exes, trust me on this one. These mf:ers lay egg, and they spread faster than false rumors.

 

 

I’m not sure how this all started, but I have my theories. This summer I bought a lot of expensive wholegrain-, sugar free-, fat free-, diary free-, soy based (you name it) shit, which I kind of rarely used. When I first noticed the beetles, I found them in my flaxseed package. Now, they say that these creeps don’t attack whole grain foods – but the second place I found them, was in my rye flour package, so you tell me.

 

 

 

So here’s what I recommend you to do (Obey your master):

Don't do as I do, do as I say

• Be afraid, be very afraid.
• Once you’ve panicked for a while, call the terminators, or look for some “insect killer spray”. Or as I did, make your own (the contents are top secret).
• Get rid of any food that isn’t cold (they can’t survive under 18 degrees Celsius)
• Throw away any infested package (sealed or not sealed)
• Vacuum the pantry and cabinet shelves.
• Remove your vacuum bag, freeze it, and throw it away.
• Wash all your cloths after cleaning, and take a shower or two. I know humans don’t attract these insects, but I guess I’m too sexy for them during night, because I somehow woke up next to one this morning.
 

 

 

Once you’ve killed them, you freeze them. And when you’ve frozen them, you burn them. And then you may throw them away. Do I exaggerate and make it sound as if these are larva’s reproducing and invading my home – probably. But just believe me when I say, you do not want to just let them be. If you see one, for the love of flying spaghetti monsters, don’t just kill it and leave it be! Chances are that one fellow has already laid an egg somewhere.

 

 

 

 

 

 

So what’s the lesson learned here? Well, healthy food isn’t as healthy as you might think.

 

 

My plans for now? Well First of all I’m going to turn off the heat completely, and then I’m going to evacuate the place and stay with my fiancé for a while, until they are all dead. So basically I’m just going to do nothing (a.k.a. pray) for a few days to see if they have frozen to death when I get back home.